I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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