I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
