My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
