he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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