just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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