He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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