Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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