Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
