Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
