Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
