i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I supernannyed him into submission
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
