I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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