im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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