Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
