You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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