Only a mothe r could love this liver
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
