he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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