so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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