so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
