rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Four minutes until I can fart!
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
