Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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