remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
