I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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