wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
it's like iHOP with fire
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
