Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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