I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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