she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
