just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
