I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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