You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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