I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
