dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
