I just saw a hot homeless man
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Randomize
