I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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