If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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