when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
