That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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