4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
