Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just found a bag of teeth...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
