my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
