ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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