Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
