see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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