Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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