one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
