i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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