so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
