Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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