Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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