i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize