If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
