Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
