and she was petting her beer can
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
