I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
