Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
