i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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