Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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